The Other Side of the Mountain

[Osk]

  The bear went over the mountain, to see what he could see and all that he could see was the other side of the mountain.



I am realizing something about myself lately.  I think, at the core of everything, all my issues is not food or sex or rejection or acceptance.  I think the root of everything is the unexpressed resentment in my life.  It goes back to my childhood, my parents, and my sister.  Resentment at being born with a handicap, being the ill favored 2nd born, trying so hard to win my father's love, and never feeling like I could reach him or be worthy of his attention.  I always keep things in, because expressing the negative things would just make things worse.  In my life I have always tried to suck it up, walk it off, and be a man.  Well "being a man" has turned me into a monster.  I just had one of those rare moments of clarity.  Maybe it's lack of sleep and too much coffee.  Maybe it's finishing my latest writing project, or taking a break from MRP (the publishing company I’m a partner in, I’ve taken a short leave of absence).  Maybe it's opening up to people about how I really feel about things.  Maybe it's all those things.  I hope, having realized this about myself, I can now do things slightly differently.  I need to stop pretending things are okay with me so much; I need to stop holding things in to avoid making other's feel bad.   I'm trying to spare people's feelings by poisoning myself with the pain.   
 
Anyway, I just wanted to share.  I feel like if I didn't write this down I would lose it.

For those on the boards, I am sharing this.  I sent it to myself and my wife in an e-mail a few days ago.  I thought I’d post it here.  Not for any real reason. 

The group cannot deal with the real issue of my obesity and issues with food.  At first I felt they just wouldn’t, but now I am sure that is it because they are unable.  It’s not a matter of focus; it’s a matter of knowledge and ability.  There is a difference between can’t and won’t.  For a long time, the group, this path, served my needs well.  Eventually, as the layers of my weight and pain shed, I got closer and closer to my personal truth.

Like digging for a bullet in a gunshot wound, eventually it has to be pulled out.  It was painful, it still is, I may never fully heal, but I can see the bullet now.   Dr. Buchin, Sophia and the rest of the group were good for clearing the wound, suctioning off the blood, shining a light on the area.  However, they can’t remove the bullet; it’s not what they do.  It’s not their responsibility, they have done what they promised, and I can’t be disappointed in them.  I have to take it from here.

It pains me that I had to abandon the group to reach this point in my journey.  I had to step off the path to move forward.  Sitting there listening to talk about Greek Yogurt, snacking and how to turn zucchini into fake pasta really wasn’t going to help me resolve my issues.  My constant effort to show others in the group that there was more to it than just food became hopeless. It only feed into my feeling of stress and resentment, it only made things worse. So, I suppose this is goodbye.

Now I know why people don’t stay with the group long term.  Now I know why friendships fail, marriages end, relationships are strained, lives are torn apart and people ultimately go back to food, regain the weight and completely fail in this process.  I get it, I see it now, it’s suddenly clear, like fog lifting from a minefield.  Does that mean I am safe?  Hell No!  I may well be totally screwed, but I have a chance now.  My eyes are open.  As the Pythia so proclaimed “"Gnothi Seauton" (Do a google search people, I am done trying to educate you guys). 

Don’t worry about me.  I am lucky to have gotten this far, now I can maybe move further.  If I don’t ever reach goal, if I don’t ever resolve these issues…well, people do live with bullets in them.  If I fail, and gain the weight back, well, then maybe I get what I deserved.  If I am too weak to hold onto what I have then I am unworthy of having it.  I do not plan to fail; I already replaced all my workpants.  Size 34 is where I intend to stay, size 34, 1 size lower than I ever dreamed possible, maybe 1 size larger than I should be... but whatever. 

To those I inspired – You’re welcome and best of luck to you.

To those who helped me – Thank you.

To those who interrupted me while I was speaking – Go to hell you self-absorbed cretin.

To those who think this is just about food – Grow up, take a look at your life and save yourself.

To Dr. Buchin and Sophia – I love you, thank you, and I’ll take it from here. I may stop in for a checkup or fill at some point.

[such912]

Nice piece of writing Sir Oscar... your examples were not only fitting, but they really did paint the picture well... From the beginning, i enjoyed ur little tidbits and writings, because you used your creativity to express yourself and that really in many instances made me feel secure that i was not alone...

You are right that Sophia and Dr. B's job finished a long time ago, and it's up to us to address our demons that are hiding within ourselves waiting to claw out.... Yes repetitive food stories and substitutes should have not been the primary focus, but in my honest opinion, most people who re-gain their weight back were only looking for a quick fix and were in it for the short-term.  There is so much more to each of our problems and only we ourselves can look within us to either heal or pull at our old scab wounds....

I wish you luck Osk on your journey and stay in touch...

Asim

[Sophia Mcleod, MSPAS, RPA-C]

Well said Oscar. I am very happy that your fog has lifted and you actually grabbed  a hold of what was causing your struggle. It takes many people a long time if at all to get this point of realization but you did and you can see what it is you need to conquer.

As far as you saying  "If I fail, and gain the weight back, well, then maybe I get what I deserved.  If I am too weak to hold onto what I have then I am unworthy of having it" - I would say you are indeed more than worthy. You just have to continue this 'fight' and you are a fighter, you have been fighting for a long time.

I am glad we were part of your journey and like you said we can only do so much and thank you for acknowledging the limits of the surgical support group.

We will always be here and by all means do check in.

[Arlene]

I don't take the opportunity to check in here too often for which I am sorry.  I cannot come to the meetings until May and realize I have missed being in touch.  We are all on a very personal journey and have demons of our own to exorcise.  Lifelong image problems cannot be overcome with the slice of a knife although it can be an effective tool if used correctly.  People who have hurt and disappointed us throughout our lives can haunt us it seems long past their presence.  All that being said, Oscar, take with you that you have positively affected many a life here within our new family.  Your humor, honesty and humanity have opened our eyes and touched our hearts.  May your journey be filled with enlightenment that will bring you joy and contentment.  Almost sounds like a 60's song but you really deserve it.  Thank you for being there when I needed to hear from someone like you.