My "One Year Post-op" Anniversary post

On Wednesday, it was the one year anniversary of my surgery. Except for Oscar and my Shrink, I didn’t tell anyone about it. It should have been a day of celebration. It should have been a day where I looked back on this incredible journey and shared it with the ones I love. But for me, it was a bittersweet day. I give myself credit for all that I accomplished in this year. I won’t go through the details of that because many of you know all that. But, even though I didn’t really think about what my life would be like in a year, I measured my success by the accomplishments of the others around me. I listened to all the stories of the other members of the group and I was amazed. I heard of other women who lost all their weight in their first year and they never even went to the gym. Everyone seemed so happy and their lives were all on track. I followed my program, changed all my behavior, started working out and I waited for all the rewards to come to me. Now, here I am, a year out, and I am far from my weight-loss goal. My personal life is still in limbo and I battle loneliness still, but it is a different kind of loneliness. But, it is loneliness just the same. I wondered, where did I go wrong? What did I do this time to screw up my life? What bad fortune fell upon me this time that everyone around me has the answers and I am still struggling? After all, nothing ever works out for me, ever, so why am I so surprised this time?

I follow my program, I work out and yet, I still have 80 pounds to lose. My body is losing the weight differently. I am losing slower but, I like how I look now. I look in the mirror now, and I am no longer lumpy. I am curvy. Even without my shape wear, the curves are unmistakable. My boobs are still full and larger. Yes, they are somewhat flatter and I wear a bra that hoists them up like mini pianos, but they are still there. My hips are smaller, but still full and inviting. My butt will always be my shadow, always two seconds behind me. My face is thinner and the skin doesn’t sag much. My shoulders are small and I have a new found love affair with my collar bones, which have turned out to be sexy and alluring to a particular man I have come to care for. I stand nude in front of the mirror and I don’t cringe anymore. I walk past a large window and admire my shape. Who is this woman, I think? I know it is me, but who is she? I am still learning her. She likes to shop, she likes to wear heels, she does her make-up well, and she flirts like a pro. But, where did she come from?

On my one year anniversary I didn’t want to be alone. I invited that “particular man” to my home that night. He made us omelets for dinner and we relaxed in front of the TV for awhile. Then I modeled my new lingerie for him. It was a lacey, red babydoll with these tiny red panties. I looked at these panties and thought, “Yeah, no f***ing way are these going to fit!” The set is a size “Medium” and it showed off my new shape beautifully. My boobs barely fit into it, but THAT was actually a good thing because they looked awesome! And those tiny little red panties, those panties I thought I would never fit? They actually fit perfectly. Of course, they weren’t on for very long, but for the few minutes I was in them, I was proud.

So, yes, I decided to celebrate my first anniversary of Gastric Bypass surgery with hot, sweaty sex with the new guy in my life. And, in the words of Salt n Pepa, “let’s talk about sex, baby” because it is a big part of our lives. And for women, who have fears of feeling sexy and/or desired due to loose and hanging skin, it is even a bigger concern. I feel it is something that should be addressed openly, but, not everyone is comfortable talking about it. I have a lot of loose skin right now. My “pannis” (the area between my waste and lower hips) is a very big issue for me, as are my inner thighs. I was terrified to become intimate with this man. He knew I had the surgery, was not only completely supportive, but extremely impressed, too. He knew I was holding back from him, he understood my reluctance even though I didn’t, and we actually talked about it…imagine that, talking about real issues? I finally explained to him how emotionally difficult this was for me. I showed him my before pics and talked to him in length about how it felt to be attracted to him, but afraid that being naked in front of him might send him running to the hills. He is a smart man, but more importantly he is not shallow. And any normal person knows about this surgery, or knows someone who had the surgery, so they shouldn’t be so surprised by the shape of your body. And if you approach the situation with honesty and real communication, you will find that it is really not that hard of a hurdle to overcome. And it is worth conquering that hurdle because, from my experience, “post-op” sex is really, really, really good! I don’t know what the men in the group are going through, but I am enjoying the agility of this thinner body and all the new positions I can now accomplish and enjoy! Awwwww, yeah!

I am not a teenager. I don’t need a boyfriend who will meet my family, romance me, buy me flowers, etc. I am trying to get beyond the nonsense that Hollywood tells me real love should be. I have been obese all of my adult life. Men did not find me sexy or attractive. I spent many years alone and feeling lonely and unattractive, even when I was married, which was a union I entered due to my desperation to be married. Now, I don’t want labels, or rules, or tradition. I want to feel connected to a man again. I want to feel like a beautiful and sexy woman. I want to feel desired and appreciated for this very special side of me, a side that I no longer want to feel ashamed about. I want to enjoy my body and have him enjoy my body as well! Hell, I have worked a year for this body, let’s take it out for a ride and see what it can do! I have never been a prude about my sexuality. I enjoy sex and like to be with someone else who enjoys it as much as me. In the past I have been “mismatched” with men who weren’t on that level with me, but I was with them because I confined myself to the rules of a traditional relationship. Now, I want it to be about me. I need to feel connected to someone again, someone I can call mine, and if we fall in love with each other, then good for us! If not, it is nice to have a companion who can compliment a very important side of my life that had been ignored for many years because of my obesity.

Maybe this post is “TMI” (too much information) for some of you. You know what? I don’t really care. There are serious issues that come up post-op and there needs to be a forum for us to discuss them. And if I have to be the trail blazer of the group, then so be it. There are people in our group who are single and trying to date. There are some who are divorcing. Others are having marital problems. Others are fine and their relationships are budding again. Whatever the situation, it needs to be faced and dealt with before it can get better. Just like our obesity.

On February 11, 2009 I was recovering from Gastric Bypass surgery in a hospital, and terrified about my future. On February 11, 2010, I was wearing new sexy red lingerie in a size Medium and having hot, sweaty sex with a new guy in my life. Happy Anniversary to me!

And cheers to me for talking about issues that can’t be fixed with Greek Yogurt!

Veronica