There are times when I just sit at my computer and type what ever comes into my head, for some reason I wanted to do it here tonight.
I joined a gym this week (again). I think it is the 3rd or 4th different gym I have joined. I had a membership at one gym for three years running and made it there maybe 25-30 times. So that's an average of less than ten times a year, if I work that out, it cost me about $31 each time I went. No exactly a sound decision money wise. When I walked into this new gym I felt like I had gone to my new fitness home. The smell of clorine hit me when I walked in and I was overcome with excitement. They have a pool, they have everything I can think of! This is most definately where I want to be.
I have a horrible time with procrastination. I put everything off..... going to the gym---I will do it tomorrow. Start a new diet---Monday sounds like a good day or maybe I will start the next time I get paid. Even paying bills--I get to it when I get to it. Staying connected with family and friends----I'll call them tomorrow or the next day. Favorite TV show is on---let me DVR it and I will watch it later. Get off my fat ass--whats the point, nothing changes. It's true that nothing changes but only if I don't change. I need to change. I want to change and I know that positive actions build self esteem so I have to learn to force myself to do many of the things that I have struggled with in the past. This surgery is a life changing event which has impacted every single part of my life, even though I really thought it was only going to change how much I weighed. I was WRONG.
I have thought about my past and about choices I have made over the years. I have thought about the events which might have been insignificant events in some peoples lives that have at times left horrible emotional scars. I have been overweight since I was about 7 years old. I was teased a lot, made fun of and left out of a lot of things because who wants to hang out with the fat kid. A lot of times I was one of the last one picked for a team in gym class and no guys would be my square dancing partner (yes we had to take square dancing) during elementary and J.H.S. It's not that I wasn't active, I was... I played soccer for years, basketball for a couple of years and softball for a couple of years. Softball was my sport though and I even though I was really good at it and played hard I was always the fattest kid on the team. I loved softball, truly loved it so when I got hurt in my sophomore year of H.S. I thought that a part of my life was over. I felt like something I loved was taken from me and I sank into depression, I was mad, I was angry, being good at softball was a part of my identity, when that was gone I cared less and less about being active. When I went to college I thought that this was a chance to get to the gym on campus and give it my all during phys ed. That injury never let up though and to this day there are certain things I can't do with my right shoulder and I got to visit the ER a couple of times because my shoulder has a way of slipping out of the socket even after the surgery I had my Jr. hear in H.S.
I was always the fat kid despite there being times when I was very active. I felt isolated, alone and depressed. There was an incident when I was in J.H.S. where we had to do this Presidential Fitness test and we had to run the 50 yard dash. I hated these stupid tests, all they did was prove I was slow and it just instilled in my twisted mind that other people were better than me because they were thinner and faster. Well there must have been something in the air that day because when I took off I ran faster than I think I had ever run in my life. I won, I beat out a field of about 8 classmates. I was excited, I finally proved I wasn't just a slow fat kid, that is until one of the boys in the class protested saying that the only reason I had won was because of a tailwind. Was this kid f###ing kidding me? A tailwind? This is 8th grade gym class not the Olympics. He was pissed because a slow fat girl had beaten him. God forbid that this get out that Tammy beat him, the social ramifications alone would have been too much for him, he would have gotten razzed for sure. His protests were heard by the gym teacher who made the decision to nullify my victory and declare that the race had to be run over. What??? I won fair and square, a tailwind??? So, being a good girl, I kept my mouth shut and re-ran the race. When I lined up for that second race I already knew there was no way I could pull it off again..........the boy who protested won and met up with one of his buddies and away they walked joking around. What was the point? That became my motto for a long time. What's the f$#@*@g point...........
The shame of being fat for almost my entire life has haunted me. It's as if a big part of my self esteem was suffocated under the pressure of all of that weight. My spirit was crushed and I truly felt like nothing I could do would ever change so there was no point in trying. Even though I am older physically I am still emotionally a fat kid. Five years ago I weighed about 30 lbs less than I do now. My weight loss was catapulted into overdrive because I wasn't eating, I was into full on alcoholic mode. I drank and didn't eat. Not what I would call an overall healthy life-style. I lost a total of like 70 lbs in a matter of months and while I hated what was going on in my life I liked the fact that I was thinner. People noticed and while I am not one for positive attention I secretly loved it, I was getting thinner, I weighed less than I did in H.S. When alcohol and I parted ways my weight began to climb again and while I tried to act like it didn't bother me, it was again killing me. In four and a half years between me getting sober and first meeting with Dr. Buchin I put on 100 lbs. Holy ****. It blows my mind. That's the combined weight of a couple of children. Being a true blooded Irish, Catholic Taurus (thats my tri-fecta) I was determined to figure this thing out on my own. Needless to say I failed.
Two years ago I was getting ready to go to Disney World for the first time. It was my first airplane flight. I had a lot of fear about the seatbelt on the plane and about fitting into rides. The night before we were leaving I fell down the stairs severely spraining my ankle. I went to First Med in Bayside and of course I needed x-rays. They wanted to know how much I weighed, because their machine only accomodated people under 250 lbs. So I lied about how much I weighed. They told me I should have a walker to get around, I wanted to know why not crutches. I was told that crutches would be very difficult for me because of my weight, that I really should use a walker. No way! The airplane belt barely fit me and there was a point where it took a lot of force to lock the safety harness on one of the rides I went on. I knew that before going to Florida again I was going to lose weight. I didn't and I returned to Florida in July 2009. I had already scheduled my consultation with Dr. Buchin before my trip and while I couldn't wait to get to Florida I couldn't wait to get home and see Dr. Buchin.
My cousin and I stayed with family friends and spent hours in the pool and even went to Ft. Lauderdale. We did a little bit of walking and I remember being unable to keep up. I had spasms in my back so bad that I felt like I was being twisted into a pretzel. I knew it was because of my weight but I tried to play it off like it wasn't. My cousin and our friends knew the truth. Later than night we went to go see the Marlins play the Phillies in Miami. Our family friend told me that maybe it would be a good idea to go to the entrance where I could take the elevator to our level saying that his wife took the elevator because of her knee. I had no knee problems but I had a problem walking too far without getting out of breath or having my back twist up. While I appreciated his consideration I was pissed off, my fat ass could walk as far as any other person. My appointment with Dr. Buchin took on a whole new meaning. I was tired of being seen as a fat woman who can't walk from here to there without getting winded. Later on in the trip I was sitting outside on a chair and I could see myself in the glass doors that went into their house. I was wider than I had ever imagined. How could I have know, I haven't owned a full length mirror in years and I certainly was not looking at myself in the mirrors they have so well positioned in clothing stores. I couldn't face myself. I couldn't face anyone. I kept my mouth shut about my upcoming appointment and was grateful to have had the opportunity to spend time in Florida with good friends. When I put that seatbelt on in the airplane I knew it was going to be the last time I would have to struggle to get it to fit.
I kept my decision to have surgery a secret from my family and most of my friends. I wanted to know that my insurance was going to approve it and that I was going to pass all of the physical tests. Plus I didn't want to have to answer questions to anyone about why I was going the route of surgery instead of very strict diet and exercise. People, ignorant though they may be, think surgery is an easy way out. Bullcrap. When I finally knew that having surgery was going to happen I told a few people, actually I first told my mother and swore her to secrecy. She wasn't allowed to tell anyone until everything was set and even then she could only tell my sister. After surgery I let her tell my aunt and uncle. They in turn told our friends in Florida who were estatic. Our Florida friends had spoken to my uncle after my visit and told him that they were very worried about me and my weight. They were afraid that I was headed for a true health disaster. My family has been pretty supportive although there are still family members who I haven't seen in a long time who don't know. My friends who know are supportive and ask questions.
I have gotten compliments from a lot of people about my weight loss and the changes I have made even in how I dress. While I don't have a tremendous amount of confidence their compliments make me feel good (now I just have to learn how to cope with that :
) They give me a reason to keep changing. See I'm not just physically fat, I am emotionally fat too. As my body changes I will have to cope with the emotional changes as well. I have to be dilligent about nutrition, exercise, vitamins, liquids..........I have to be dilligent about a lot of things, we all do.
On Friday I went to Old Navy and discovered that I can wear jeans two sizes smaller than the ones I bought in December. I can go into Old Navy again and find clothes that fit and I can't wait to wear them tomorrow. Today I did my laundry and while folding the clothes I saw pants that at one time wouldn't have fit me if I had sucked in as much air as possible and was wrapped tightly in Saran Wrap. My weight is going down and physically I am changing and will continue to change as I go to the gym and eat the things I should (yes, I do cheat but I am not proud of it). Lastly, for some reason in that laundromat they have those lawn chairs, you know the ones that stack up for easy storage in the yard.......the plastic ones with the 250 weight limit, well I realized that I can once again sit in one of those chairs without fear that my weight will break it. If the chair breaks it will be the chair that is defective, not me. So maybe next week I can find a tail wind and run ffast in my new jeans so I can go sit in one of those lawn chairs while folding my shrinking clothes.
