My first post-op vacation

I just recently got home from my first post-op vacation. I went to Las Vegas for 5 days with my mother. There were some really good things about being 100 pounds lighter on vacation. For instance, it was an absolute pleasure being able to walk for miles and miles in 90 degree heat and not sweat through my clothing, not feel any knee pain or back cramps. It was a pleasure wearing 3 inch sandals while walking for miles and miles and still feeling comfortable and feminine. For the first time in my life, I held my head high and was proud to stand in front of a camera as my mother snapped photos of me in front of different tourist spots. I was able to eat just about anything, as long as it was in moderation, of course. I carried protein bars and Crystal Lite single packs with me while we made our way around to the different casinos. For the first time in my life, I was able to walk into any gift shop in Las Vegas and buy any T-shirt they were selling because I am now, just about, wearing “regular” size clothing. I had a great vacation and can’t wait to plan my next adventure, which will be to Germany in the Spring of 2010.

But, like everything with this journey, this trip brought upon moments of reflection that made me both happy and sad. I find something in everyday that reminds me of the reason why I did this surgery and how grateful I am for having found my way down this path. But I also am reminded everyday of how lonely this journey can become.

As most of you know, I am separated from my husband. He is a very unhealthy person, but I still love and miss him. I have recently had a falling out with my best friend. We no longer speak and my relationship with my sister is equally as strained. Everyone I know is married. It seems like everyone has someone in their life to share things with. Everyone but me, it seems. Perhaps this is just a temporary situation, but I feel lonely all the time, and that makes my struggles that much more difficult for me. Traveling away from home made me realize just how “single” I feel. My father called my mother every morning to check on her and every evening to see how her day went. She complains about him all day, but she loves him, and has someone to grow old with. But no one called to check on me. My phone only rang when there was a problem at work that needed my attention. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call my best friend to tell her about my day because she hates me right now. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call my sister because she doesn’t want to hear about the good things that happen to me. And I have no romantic partner in my life right now either. So, who do I share with? Who will worry about me when my parents are no longer around? I worry so much about this.

I am grateful to be alive and I am grateful to be healthier than I have probably ever been. I have so many wonderful moments to celebrate and yet, I have no one to celebrate them with. This makes me so sad. There are days when I wonder if all the changes I am going through are worth it. Logically, I know I made the right choice, but I have lost just about everyone who is important to me and I wonder who is next to leave my life because I have “changed”? This frightens me.

Like I said earlier, this journey brings upon many moments of reflections. Some of them are happy and some of them are sad. It is part of life and it is part of the fundamentals of change. And change in itself scares me, but I chose to face it with my head held high.

By the way, today is my co-worker's birthday. They are serving birthday cake that I cannot have. And her husband sent her a very large and beautiful bouquet of roses. I can only hope to have someone like that in my life someday. I'm going to go to the gym tonight and focus on healthier thoughts...

I look forward to seeing you all at Tuesday's meeting.

Veronica