Human beings are instinctively wired to be part of a group. If we aren’t part of a group, we’re a good as dead. This was literally true once, when saber toothed cats, dire wolves and short faced bears hunted out species. It’s hard to shake the feeling, its survival. I like to think of the movie “Cast Away”, with Tom Hanks talking to a soccer ball with a face painted on it. The human mind cannot survive long alone.
Obesity pushes people to a place where being isolated from others and rejected are constant fears. Most of us learned how to do something, anything or everything to be accepted by others. “What can I do so they’ll like me”, is a common thought. Some of the best male comics are (or were) fat guys. Fat guys are funny, usually, because they have to be. It’s one of the only ways people will like them. Fat people are great listeners, great friends and always fun to hang out with…why? It’s because we have to be, because we’re compensating for our appearance and our physical limitations. Ultimately it means we’re taken for granted a lot, as we’re so eager to please people forget that we’re human beings with needs and fears of our own.
It’s an unhealthy way to think about yourself and the people around you. Fat entertainers who become popular (and rich) often have VERY HARD TIMES adjusting. The cemetery is full of these people. Why? I think it’s because they can’t deal with the changes. Suddenly everyone likes them and they have to think why that is. For post-op’s it’s a very stressful time. We are also living in a new world, a new body, a new life… You can change the way you eat, the way you dress, the configuration of your digestive system, your weight and your health… But changing the way you think, the way you interpret reality and relate to others… that’s not so easy. You just can’t swap out a life time of programming? You can put a crappy driver in a sports car and guess what you got, a crappy driver in a sports car.
I’m luckier than most. Yes, I spent my life trying to please people. It’s why I tell stories, why I write and why I run games at conventions and demos. It’s made me creative; I wanted people to like me. But in other ways I don’t care if people like me or not.
When I was 14 my friends all got into drugs and I chose not to join them. Suddenly I had no friends, overnight. I was alone and I learned that being alone wasn’t so bad. I read books, I listened to music, I went to museums, wrote poetry and became my own friend. Eventually I made new friends, and old friends returned, and eventually people moved away or I had a falling out with them and the whole thing started over. I learned that this is a part of life. People, even family, will move in and out of your life like the rise and fall of civilizations in history. Of course this made me cynical and arrogant, but that’s another story.
Now I am in my 2nd year of Bariatric living, and seeing so many of my friends trying to live their lives as well. So many of them struggle to maintain their relationships. They are miserable to the point of wondering if it was worth it, if it was easier being fat. They are stuck in their old programming. They NEED approval from others, they well incomplete and worthless without it. But at the same time they want more from others, feel they deserve more from others, because they have more pride in themselves. How can they start enjoying “My Time to live” if they are still so hung up on “Getting people to like me”? Not everyone is going to like the new us. Not everyone is going to be kind, or fair, or supportive. Let’s face it; fat people make it easy on others. We accept less from people because we don’t feel deserving of more. I myself often feel terribly guilty for doing this just for “me”.
I have spent periods as a loner. I’ve been content to break off relationships with friends and family, for years at a time, in some cases forever. I’m okay with it. Maybe that’s not a good thing. I learned long ago that life is just the way you interpret the events, the way you look at things, and the angle you choose to view it. I like trying to see things in a way that makes me happy, not upset. I try not to look for things to make me unhappy, and I certainly avoid people who push me into dark places. Life isn’t fair and I don’t expect it to be. People are as unkind as they are kind, I accept that.
This is my new life. I’m keeping the parts that worked; I am updating the rest of my programs. It’s a new body; I fit into the world around me differently. I am doing new things, and old things in new ways. People relate to me differently. I needed to change the way I think, the way I see the world around me to really enjoy this new body and my new life living within it.
But around me I see people walking into walls, or in circles, ripping themselves apart in frustration. They start to hate this new life, this new body, and they question if it was all worth it. To them I say one thing – Update your systems, upgrade your programming. The battle isn’t you against the unjust world. The battle is you against your old way of thinking. Acceptance from others will always be hit or miss. Acceptance of self is in your own hands.
The only person you MUST get to like you is you. The ONLY opinion that should really matter about who you are is yours. You’re the home team and the visiting team, your offence and defense. There are no winners or losers. Stop fighting yourself, stop hurting yourself.
There’s only the game, and the rules are always changing.
