Oh how my nose betrays me

[Veee1226]

Psychologically, I am fighting a lot of food demons these days.  I miss so many foods.  No, I am not hungry for them, but I miss them, I think about them often, and when I smell them, they call to me.   My desire to go off program continues.  This may be because of the plateau I am fighting, or it may be that after six months I am getting bored with eating just egg whites, cheese and ricotta.  As the summer continues, and I am invited to barbecue after barbecue I have been very careful about what I eat that I don't prepare.  At times, a burger from the grill with some cheese, ketchup and onions, or at times even a hot dog with some mustard and sauerkraut goes down OK (of course I eat them without the bun.)  I stay away from chicken because it tends to be dry when cooked on a grill and I was able to try some London Broil that went down OK, too.  But, I really love cheeseburgers and hot dogs!  They were part of my regular diet before the surgery, and yes, I miss them dearly.

While shopping the other day, I picked up some pre-made hamburgers that were 97% lean.  I thought they would be less fatty and once shrunk, would be about 3-4 oz.  I seasoned them and put them in the freezer.  Today, while driving home, I really wanted to soothe my bad mood with something to eat that is not good for me.  It doesn't matter what was on my mind, just know it was bad.  I pushed through it and drove home.  I decided to make myself one of my burgers.  As I cooked my burger, I cut up some onion, prepared my relish, added some lowfat muenster cheese, melted to perfection, and prepared to eat.

My entire apartment smelled like burgers and onions.  Even my cats were jumping up on the stove to smell it.  I was so happy thinking I can finally eat something from my past, something I miss, something I have been craving, something that hopefully will help me fight off these demons.  I put my low fat munester cheese burger on a plate and sat down to eat it.  After 2 bites, I was near vomiting!  I have no idea why.  It was not very fatty, I have had ketchup and relish before.  I eat onions with everything.  But, for some reason, it didn't go down.  I needed to get some food in, so I waited 20 minutes and forced down 2 more bites.  Then I packed the 3/4 left of my masterpiece into a garbage bag and tossed it into the garbage chute.

My apartment still smells like burgers and onions.  The scent is mocking me!  The demons are laughing!  I have sprayed the entire apartment with Lysol and Febreeze, but I can still smell it.  Maybe the scent is psychological, too.  Maybe I will wake at 3 am and smell pepperoni pizza in my bedroom tonight.  Who the hell knows?

I am just so sad tonight.  I really miss food, even if I wanted to cheat, my pouch wouldn't let me.  But, that is why I got this surgery, right?  Right?  I keep repeating to myself that I made the right decision, but it is hard because, once again, my nose has betrayed me.

I think I will sign on to E-bay and buy myself some shoes.....<sigh>

Veronica

[icarus96]

Hey Vee
What's up ...
I'm finding that food has taken the place of porn.
It's ok to watch but I can't participate anymore.
Now is some messed up psychological crap or what?.

Good luck working out your crap.

Catch you later.

Tony

[Candi]

Veronica,
Everytime you write something I agree with you in some way or another.  I am glad you always share and make me feel like I am not alone in my own thoughts.  Before I read I saw the area where the pictures are online and I found yours.  I almost cried at how much you have changed knowing that you have been suffering lately.  You look so wonderful, don't worry this too shall pass.  You have gone through a lot this year, keep up the good work.
Candi

[Veee1226]

Thank you so much for your comment, Candi.  So often I feel like an idiot for posting about some of the things that are going on with me.  I feel like I am wasting people's time by "whining" and I am happy to hear that my posts touch you in some way.  It makes a world of difference for me to hear that.

It is funny that sometimes I cannot look in the mirror and simply congratulate myself.  Just last night, I found some private "before pics" I took on my own.  In most of them, I am in shorts and a camisole or in my bra and panties.  No one has ever seen these but me.  In every one of them, there is such a look of misery in my eyes.  It makes me sad to even look at them.  But, when I do, I still think that I am that big.  And, logically, I know I am not.  Logically I know that I am 1/3 smaller now then I was then.  But still, I don't see myself as others do.  I haven't taken any "private" updated photos like that since the surgery.  One reason is that it is hard for me to look at these photos.  Another reason is that taking photos of these of myself, makes me feel very lonely.  And loneliness is a battle for me everyday.  One of which I feel like I am always losing.  But, maybe it is time for me to take some new photos of myself so that I can compare them.  Maybe I will finally start to see myself with some new eyes?

So, thank you for reminding me of something very important....my success.

I hope you are doing well and I look forward to seeing you on Tuesday.

Veronica