Happiness comes from within..... I think?!?!?

Hello all....

I haven't posted in a short time, I think I've been sinking into a pit of dispair.... or something like that. Some of you may be aware that I was "terminated" from my job on May 10th and I have been conducting an intensive search for employment since. I have been diligent and have been on 6 interviews in as many weeks, every time it seems that I was the first person to apply and be interviewed. I left 5 of the 6 interviews feeling like "that went well, they'll call soon." I haven't been so lucky.

This past Wensday I went on interview #6, and once again it went well. It was at a place that I wasn't too keen on going to interview let alone work at. With out going into too much detail about why I'll give you some broad strokes. I can do the work, in fact I think that I would be able to do well at this location. It's a step back on my career path, which is not the biggest deal, but the money seems like it could be good.

A little side note here to try to explain some things. I have spent the last 8 years in automotive service for Volkswagen. Before that I spent 3 years in computer networking, before that 8 years driving trucks, and way back in the 1980's I started in automotive service also at VW. When I talk about the pay issue it's because in automotive service it's salary plus commission. I have worked for a total of 13 years with the VW product line, and have not done service on any other product line. This would be at a Jeep/Dodge/Hyundai dealership and I'm not familiar with these lines in the service capacity. Unfortunately auto service is not equal across different brands. There will be a whole lot of new stuff to learn.

I had been hoping to get out of the automotive service business for several reasons. Firstly there is no retirement plan in automotive service .... NONE! Most places offer 401k and some pay medical benefits (basic). But at 45 years old I was hoping to get into a career with hope of retirement. Secondly the hours are crazy. The last place I opened the door at 6:15 am and if i was lucky locked up at 5:30 pm, and to get a day off is taboo! So it totally life encompassing and I feel is like a prolonged death. Third ... as nice of a guy as I like to thing I am ... I really hate the general public.... so having to take care of peoples cars and listen to their crap is like death on some days .... the good days, on the bad days it's like torture. I perfer to talk to people I want to talk to ... not the ones I have to talk to. Am I normal? Don't think I would make a good doctor.

Anyway ... it looks like I will get offered the job I want least. I would be a fool not to take it, right? It will pay the bills and perhaps then some. But then why am I hesitant to call back the manager and take the job? I think it's not what I want that's why. I don't want to just take any job to be working right? Do I want to trudge off to work every morning just to pay the bills with the knowledge that there's not really a future? Do I want to have a job that envelops my life like a glove? I used the analogy earlier to Emilia that it's like being covered with latex.... you can't breath, and try as you may you can't break out of it. Simply put it will be smothering.... but in a slow way ... just a little each day.... prolonged. And once I take it there won't be any time to look for something else. I'll be back at work from 7:00 am until 6:00 pm without the commute.

So here I am sinking further into dispair. I must sound like a real dope to everyone. We're in a really bad economy, my savings are almost gone, and I have the balls to complain about a job offer. A job offer that will more than likely provide me with as much money as I made at my last position. But as I sit here and write this, the phone next to my arm ... just waiting for me to make "the call."

I guess I will have to swallow any thought of work satisfaction, or forget about any happiness in my career. It's funny how we as humans can prioritize things in the short term. Whats improtant today? Rent? Electrical bill? God forbid we forget the cable bill!! Oh and who can forget food and the 99 other things we all become accustomed to in our everyday life. In fact this internet connection that I'm using right now would be one of the first things to go.

I will sublimate my wants and disires and accept the job. Henry David Thoreau said "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." I feel like the song is still in me and I'm worried about never being able to let it out. For most of you that would probably be a good thing since I'm tone def, but I can't hear myself sing. I have always wanted to live against the grain, have a life of higher aspirations...... But I will make the call and take the job and pay my bills. I will once again be a productive member of society and go back to my life of quiet desperation. I'll make believe that I'm happy and take joy where I can find it.

I can't even imagine how hard it would be to live if I had children. Then it's like you give up everything for the kids first right?

I know this post has a kind of dreary slant to it .... it's more for me to sort out my own feelings on the topic than to be a dire tirade. I'm generally a happy go lucky sort of fellow and I'm just in a funk lately. Who knows maybe getting back to work will lift my spirits. Who knows this may be the best place I've ever worked before. Who knows, could it be???

I don't know if I'll be able to see anyone at the meetings anymore due to my impending schedule, but I will try to make it once a month or so if I'm able. I will continue to read the posts here and post when I have something to say at minimum.

Wish me luck.

Thanks all

Tony