Hopes dashed under a headstone.

[Osk]

One of the main reasons I got the surgery was my family.  I wanted to be a more active father, a better role model and to enjoy what time I have left with my children.  Before you know it you go from changing diapers to handing over your car keys to having your last dance with them at their wedding.   This was going to me “My Summer”.

Two summers ago I was weak and couldn’t keep up with my children.  Last summer I was getting ready for my surgery, forced to wait until late August because of a friend’s wedding.  I could have gone into surgery in July, but that’s a post for another time.   I blew my knee out right before my surgery and my memories of the summer of 2008 are ones of pain, shame and missed opportunities.  But that was then…

This is now.  Now I am stronger, fitter and leaner.  Now I can be the man I’ve dreamed of being for two long years.   I can make them proud of me.   We can walk at theme parks, Zoo and museums.  Bike together.  Enjoy the beach together without being embarrassed.    This was the summer I’ve been dreaming of. 

It started off rocky.  My first time biking with my son ended badly, as his endurance needs to be improved.  But we made plans to work on this, to build his constitution up side by side.   My daughter’s bike broke, and it took me a couple of weeks to fix it.   Then it started raining, more delays.  But on Monday delays turned into destruction.
 
While waiting for me at work my son bumped into a headstone, knocking it over.  He fell with it, landed under it, and it crushed his arm.  The arm is broken in two places and is now in a full cast for the next three weeks.  Three weeks after that it’ll be in a half cast.   His last day of school was Wednesday.  So, he breaks his arm two days before the end of school and six days before the start of summer.

What the F*&%?

I’d been dreaming of swimming, biking and bonding with him over many rigorous activities for two years.  This was supposed to be “My Summer”, “Our Summer”, the summer we’re remember the rest of our lives.   This was supposed to be “That fun summer when Daddy first lost the weight and could do stuff again”.   My son will be in a cast until August now.  Yes, that’s still time, yes, we can do other things, yes, it could be worse, yes, yes, I know, I know, I freaking KNOW!   But that doesn’t change the bitter, heart wrenching disappointment I’m feeling.   

I’m ashamed to feel this way too, because I feel like it’s selfish.  The poor kid is hurt; he’s probably been looking forward to the summer of his 14th year all year too.  I am sure a broken arm wasn’t in his dreams of a perfect summer either.   When I did sit ups over the winter, it was dreaming of this summer.   All I’ve seen of it so far is disappointment, failure, vomiting and rain.   All this new stronger body is giving me is nervous energy and very little to burn it on.   Half the time I am shaking with energy and anger.   I’m very bitter and depressed some days.   It needs to stop raining.  Life needs to aim the slings and arrows at some other A*#hole for a while.  It’s taken enough F*#%ing hits for a while.   Give me a God Damned break.

[Veee1226]

Hi Oscar,

You know that I could give you a dozen cliches about how life has it's ups and downs.  But you don't need to hear that.  At this difficult time in your life, you need your friends to remind you of all the wonderful things that you have accomplished.  There is nothing selfish about saying you're disappointed because things are not working out the way you wanted.  You did this for your family and that is an admirable thing.  Don't forget that.  Maybe you won't get the summer you planned, but think of the moments you had during the winter with you and your kids that you did get.  I specifically remember you describing a moment with you and Zak rolling on the floor together as you tickled him.  What a beautiful moment for you.  You also said that you recently reviewed an old video of you and he said he couldn't even remember you looking as heavy as you did.  Don't you think that that was a big moment for him and for you?  He will be proud of you, and proud to be with you, no matter what you do this summer.  Just stay on your program.  Bike when you want to bike and walk when you want or need to walk and do those things for you, because they make you happy, not just because you want to be a better father.  Do the things that make you happy and that happiness will trickle down onto your family.

Oscar, you are a good father.  You are a good friend.  You are a good leader.  You are allowed to be human and to have these moments of anger and disappointment. 

You are doing GREAT, whether you believe it or not.  And when you don't believe it, I will tell you over and over again.  The rain will end, the summer weather will come and you will feel less depressed and less trapped.  Things will turn around because that is the cycle of life.  (OK, sorry, I know I said no cliches, but I couldn't figure out another way to say it!)

I am here for you.  We are all here for you.  You are going to be OK.  I promise you that.

Your friend,

Veronica