There but for the grace of God...

I have a friend who had Bariatric surgery before me, with Dr. Buchin. She gave me his mini DVD, put me on this path and with her success gave me the confidence to take my first steps down it. She lost a lot of weight and everyone was very proud of her. She was looking great and was really committed to eating better…for a while.

Then things started to change. We watched her have a burger here, regular bread there, soda…drinking with food. We’d hear her talking about the places she went to eat, the things she had, and we wondered…”didn’t she have a lap band put in?” She got hurt at work, ended up getting a steroid shot and that was it, she was done. I don’t know if it was the shot. I don’t know if it was just her failing willpower. I don’t know it if was all those things plus a dozen others I am unaware of. One thing is certain, her program has failed.

In the last month or two everyone who’s seen her has been shocked. She’d gained most, if not all, of the weight back. She says she’s trying, says she’s eating better, she got a fill or two, joined a gym, but who knows? When we hang out she snacks, constantly. She drinks when she eats. She looks just as big as she was before the surgery. I sat next to her last night and I was really surprised, I really took notice of how much she put back on. It frankly terrifies me.

I want to eat more, I am more active and I think the increased activity is stimulating my appetite. At times the exercise seems to curb it. It’s very confusing. I’m feeling good, feeling strong, and hovering still within 5 pounds of my goal weight. My legs are getting muscular, my torso feels firmer under my skin and I have great endurance. I would have given anything to have the body I have now. I will do anything I need to do to keep it. But, like getting married, no one enters into this commitment thinking it will fail. No one gets bariatric surgery thinking “I might gain it all back in a year or two…” It does fail, I know two people who gained most if not all of the weight back. We see people in the meetings getting revision surgery. There is nothing special about me. I am no different than anyone else. If they can fail, so can I.

It’s raining, I won’t be able to get out on my bike or walk the track at the park again. My ass still hurts from doing sit ups. I got to 150 two nights ago. Maybe I’ll do another 150 tonight. Going to a BBQ tomorrow, a dear friend is going all out. I’m going to be eating, probably more than I should. I need to join a gym, maybe I’ll get a membership for Father’s Day, maybe not. It needs to stop raining.

I’m afraid.

Damn it.