Wher I'm at

Hey all

Some of you may know that I have certain restraints during the week as to posting. I am limited to 1 minute total time on non work related sites, and they consider this a non work related site. I can log on and read a post but as soon as the minute is up and I try to move to another page it’s sorry Tony no more time today. This had led me to a couple of very short responses and no new topics. Although I try to catch up on the weekends, very often by Saturday or Sunday I have forgotten what was on my mind. So I am trying something new today let’s see how it works. I will be writing a post in Word and trying to cut and past it into the group blog.

First I would like to welcome back Veronica. I read your post and I am so sorry you had a hard time with your first few days on the other side. I will be reading anything you have posted today and hopefully Osk is right and you’re feeling better about the whole thing.

Secondly I think Veronica and Oscar have a great idea in visiting people in the hospital, as long as people want to be visited. Who better to be there even for a few minutes that someone who has recently been through the same thing. It’s a great idea.

Finally about me….. Well I am going for my endoscope on Thursday morning. It is the last hurdle I have to overcome before getting my approval. I just can’t help the roller coaster analogy in my head. The more I visualize it the more it makes sense to me. Maybe it’s just my convoluted psyche trying to make sense of the emotions I’m going through. But if any of you are roller coaster buffs, like I am, you will be familiar with the experience. When ever Great Adventure got a new, bigger, better, faster or more scary coaster I had to ride it. This has become in my mind equivalent to the decision to have surgery.

I would get there early and get on line, which is the equivalent to the process I have been undergoing for the last 6 and ½ months. As you are on line you are looking up at the ride, hearing the screams and cries and laughter of the others who have already been on it. You see the exhilaration on their faces as they come off and walk past you. Some with big smiles and some a little shaky on their feet. Either way you can see it’s an experience! As you get closer (at least for me), and you realize it will be happening soon you are overtaken by a strange mix of excitement, anticipation and little trepidation. And like so many things in our lives the longer you have to wait the more the little demons inside your head have a chance to work on you …. Then it happens … your next!!! Last chance to back out, because once they buckle you in …. IT’S ON!!!! You are going for a ride. You had your chance and now you have relinquished yourself to the ride! Slowly the seat you are strapped into climbs the first peak…higher and higher ….some of the rides still make the clickity clackity noise when they climb. The view is getting more encompassing, you can see for miles and miles. Briefly you forget where you are and take it in… unless you have a problem with heights, oh boy are you in the wrong place now! Your guts knot up and you brace yourself. Once again the longer it takes the more the demons work on you, the more your emotions build … higher and higher ….. You get to the apex and then…..

AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!! WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO !!!!! You start calling names…. GOD GOD GOD!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGG !!! You pick up speed and WOOOOSSSSHHHHH you hit a curve and get thrown sideways! And up again!!! And thru a loop, upside down and twisted around, and up and down and over and over again. You feel like it’s not going to stop. You’re exhilarated and scared beyond belief. AT THE SAME TIME!!!!! It’s great!

You get off the ride, shaken, exhilarated, and what’s the word I’m looking for…. Happy!

Well I feel like I’m at the head of the line and I can see that I will be on the ride soon, perhaps the next car! All the feelings that I mentioned are swirling around in me. Excitement, anticipation, and a whole lot of “oh my god what am I in for!” That’s where you guys come in, holding my hand virtually and at times reassuring me in person (I really love our meetings). Anyway here I am, at the front of the line, many have gone before me and many will follow. I haven’t even gotten a date yet and I’m dwelling on it. Dwelling on the surgery and on my upcoming endoscope exam. I feel it’s good to think about something so life changing at length, but also worry that I’m overanalyzing it. I have always been the kind of person to review, and research something to death.

And standing in line, watching some of the people who have gone before me get off the ride I can see for the most part it was an enjoyable experience. Every one at the meetings glows with positive energy. I sometimes wonder about the people who don’t attend. Do they know what they are missing out on? I can only assure you my fellow travelers that I will not miss out on your company. I will revel in it and relish it. We are a fellowship of travelers that have experienced a journey that most can’t, won’t or may not have to, and simply cannot understand. How does the old saying go “don’t judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes.”

Once again I tip my hat to the brave lady who just got off the ride and has warned me that the first bump can be a bad one. I feel being forewarned is forearmed and will watch out for the bump. I only hope that she can overcome her wobble legs. I’m sure that she understands that the ride has only just begun. I look forward to the ride to come and hope you all will enjoy it with me.

Tony