My Bucket List

This is a very hard week for me. Christmas one day, my birthday the next, and New Years Eve five days later. During a normal time in my life, this should be a week of celebrations. But I have had, and am still, having a miserable week.

I have felt very lonely without my husband. I don't really know why, because he was a sad excuse for a husband to begin with. But it would have been nice to wake up and have some say to me, "Happy Birthday, I love you and I am glad you are part of my life". I am 42 and I have not had that feeling in a very long time. This was supposed to be our first Christmas together, and instead I am planning my divorce.

My surgery is six weeks away. I have not been as focused as I should be. I have even considered postponing my surgery because I fear that I am not psychologically ready for this. I made a list for myself, I call it "My Bucket List." A list of things I need to do before the surgery to help me clean out my "emotional closet" before Feb 11th. Yesterday I wrote a letter to my friends and family about my decision to obtain a divorce from my husband. It was hard letter for me to write because that meant admitting it is actually over and accepting it as reality. Today I took the first steps to find a lawyer. Another hard hit on me emotionally. But, that is two things I can cross off my "bucket list." Tomorrow I am getting a manicure and pedicure, because someone who really loves me and cares for me told me I deserve one. On Wednesday, New Years Eve, I will pick another item from my list to be done, do it and continue to clean out my "emotional closet." Then I will take an Ambien and sleep through midnight because I hate the idea that I have no one to kiss me at midnight. And I hope and pray that 2009 will be a better year for me.

The surgery is permanent. It is not like getting a bad hair cut that will grow out. Once this is done, there is no turning back, and I need to be totally prepared. I need to be in the right place emotionally so I don't blow it. We will have three meetings before my surgery. I will need the love and support of all of you at those meetings. I will continue to cross of items one by one on my "bucket list" and I hope to be in a better place on Feb 11th, when they do my surgery.

As of this morning, I have lost 38 pounds since August. That is 13 pounds more than my original goal of loosing 25 pounds before the surgery. Now, my new goal is to be down 50 pounds before the surgery. And I know I can do it. I have to keep remembering these numbers. Down 38 pounds, my BMI is down 8 points, I have succeeded my original goal by 13 pounds. Yes, these are the important numbers in my life, not the months I have been alone or the amount of tears I have shed. I am still learning to look at things differently, still learning that in less than two months, my life will be different, still learning so much about myself. Everyday I am changing. Everyday I grow up a little bit more. The only thing constant is change. And for me, change might be EXACTLY what I need in my life right now.

I look forward to seeing all of you on January 9th.

Peace and love,
Veronica