Reflections of the way life used to be

[Veee1226]

Hi everyone,

As I continue this journey, I have been remembering things that I buried deep within my brain for many years.  Many of these memories are unpleasant, unfortunately.  However, these recollections have given me a lot of insight to the reasons why I have self-esteem issues. 

I have never liked to have my photo taken.  I have never liked looking at my reflection in a mirror.  I have never wanted to look at myself and see what other people see.  Every holiday, every family event, once the camera came out, I found a reason to leave the room.  As I got bigger I disliked looking at myself in  photos more and more.  It was just a constant reminder of the looming problem of my weight and the hopelessness that I felt in my life.

On Thanksgiving, I had a recollection from my childhood.  I remembered when I was in grade school, I had to wear a plaid uniform every day.  Imagine, an overweight young girl in a plaid jumper!  I used to have to walk to school and pass stores with big display windows.  I hated to walk by these windows because I would see how much bigger I was than the other girls.  I could see the silhouette of my profile and see a stomach protruding past my bosoms, big calves and a double chin.  I hated walking past this window so much, that I changed my route home.

I remembered this as I was passing a large mirror in my sister's home on Thanksgiving day.  That day, I wore a beautiful blouse that had never fit me from the day I bought it.  Now, not only did it fit me, but it was a little big.  But it framed my body nicely and showed off my bosoms, which, I am happy to say, now protrude past my stomach.  I caught myself in the mirror and was so surprised at how pretty I looked that day.  It was the first time I could honestly see my own weight loss.  I blinked a few extra times, thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me.  But, no, that was me.  And I was looking damn fine!

I am still going through rough times personally.  The holidays feel very, very lonely now that I am separated from my husband.  I cry most nights when I come home to an empty apartment.  Some days I am good and some days I am not so good.  But on Thanksgiving I was good...and I looked damn good too.  Good for me.  I deserve those moments.  I am earning those moments.

Today I went to a salon and changed my hair color to a beautiful deep auburn.  It is the darkest my hair has been in years.  But it looks great on my thinner face and my green eyes look gorgeous.  Tonight I am very happy.  Tonight I feel gorgeous.  And it has been a long, long time since I have felt that way.

Tonight, I would love it if someone took my photo.    Say cheese!   

[icarus96]

I as well as others share you angst.  I too have battled all my life with being overweight, and the stigma that is attached to that condition.  Externally as well as from within.  There aren't many photos of me either, but hey I sure take a lot for other people.  I was always very helpful that way, kind of a coping mechanism. 
As for your post today it started out bitter but finished with the sweet aftertaste of accomplishment.   I hope you were in a lot of photos over the holiday and hope to see you in many more to come. 
I wish there was something I could offer you to help you deal with your current situation, but I'm not good that way.  I think your tag line says it all. 

See you soon.

Tony

[Veee1226]

Hi Tony,

Your posts alone do so much for my spirit.  I am happy to see you sharing along with us when you are still somewhat new to our group.  It makes me feel sure that you will be successful when you finally take your step to "the other side."  You and I are taking all the right steps.  Examining our behavior, coping with the ones around us, learning how to stand up and say, "hey, it is my time to be happy" and sharing your emotions, fears, joys and worries with the group.  It is not easy to put your feelings up on the boards for everyone to see.  But I feel it is the way to not allow yourself to avoid or ignore your problems.  When you are putting yourself out on these boards, you are telling people you are willing to be accountable for your actions.  If you notice on the patient picture pages, hardly any of them come to the meetings and only a few of us post on the boards.  But, that is because we are doing it differently; looking for the support of others and the companionship to share our joys.  Good for us!  You are a very wonderful and brave soul, Tony.  Don't ever forget that. 

Just as Oscar is paving the way for me, I am paving the way for you.  And together along with Dr. Buchin, Sophia, Diane, Osk, Michelle and all the others in our group,  we will find our way through the new adventures and misadventures of this new life we are carving out for ourselves. 

I look forward to seeing you next week!