Big Fat chicken

[icarus96]

I find that I am a big fat chicken!  I'm at least 2 months out from surgery and just because I'm getting all my requirements filled out in the next 2 weeks its becoming more real and I'm getting nervous thinking about going under the knife.  I have had a few operations in the past, nothing too major.  My last surgery was in February 06 my left knee and the surgeon agreed to let me stay awake during the surgery.  I get really scared when I can't see whats going on.  He was great about it.  They gave me an epidural and even tilted a monotor so I could watch.  I had a really bad experience about 21 years ago when I was having a pilonidal cyst removed.  I really had let it go and had to have surgery to address it.  If your not familiar with a pilonidal cyst it is on your lower back at the bottom of the spine, top of the butt crack.  Well any they gave me an epidural and had be positioned on my stomach with my butt in the air (picture laying over a barrel).  The started poking me and I just flipped out!  The had to knock me out.  I just get crazy when I can't see whats happening.  So I've not only started trying to diet but also calming myself down about the hole thing.  It's not that I'm worried about Dr. Buchin abilities or something bad may happen.  I'm just crazy and find it very hard not to observe whats going on with my body.  I'm a control freak!  Or at least that's what my better half says.  If it's out of my control I have to come to peace with it.  Just writing about is helping me see how irrational I am.  Well at least I have a few months to straighten out my silly emotions. 

[Osk]

You have to change your mind set about the whole thing.  You seem to be worried about having control, well, this is all about control.  If you just put it in your head that you are doing this to regain control of a part of your life then you might feel less anxious.

You are choosing to do this, you could have chosen not to do this, and therefore going under the knife is an act of control.

You have faith in your doctor and his staff; you researched your options, and still chose to move ahead with the procedure.  Again, this is an act of control.  After that, you need to give yourself over to them and just wait to wake up.   

Lift, reality, everything...is all the way we look at things, the way we process the information coming in from our senses.   You can choose to interpret the way the information is processed.  If you focus on your own control and not on how you might be giving up control then a lot of your fear might be dissipated.   I mean, think of the act itself, the physical changes you are choosing to have done, these are all acts of control.   You cannot make these changes yourself, of course, so you have someone else do this.  This isn't giving up anything; this is simply the reality of the situation.  You cannot do something; there is no choice, so there is nothing to worry over.   

I am finding that most of the challenges you face, both pre-op and post op, will be fought, lost or won, inside your own head.  The physical changes are challenging and huge, but they are nothing compared to the mental once.  Take control of your head, your thinking, and you've already taken the high ground for the battles ahead.

When I had this done there was maybe 10 minutes where I felt myself helpless and out of control of my situation.  It was very difficult, and something I plan to post about one day.

But then the drugs hit me and everything seemed really humorous for about 75 seconds.   I remember asking, "Are things funny because of my nerves or the drugs?"  A nurse said. "A little of both honey..."  Then I woke up in recovery.  Sweet!

[icarus96]

Yeah I hear you.  It's that "10 minutes" that your talking about that I building up in my mind. The time when they roll you into the operating room before they drug you.  Maybe a few shots to loosen up before the operation....  .  I'm getting tense just thinking about it.  It's strange how different things effect differnet people.  I've done some stuff that others have said I was crazy to do without worrying..... its probably the long build up... like lets just get to it so I don't have to think about it too much, and thats what I'm doing.  I know logically that I'm only building it up but it is a baseless emotion, and I think that I'm more worried about how I will react at that time then actually worried about the procedure.  Just will have to grit my teeth and deal.  Just can't come soon enough.

See ya around

Tony

[Osk]

It gets easier once you have your date set, at least it did for me.   Then you can focus on the days until surgery.  There is a fear component to this, no doubt.   

Last night I went to the place I went to the night before my surgery, my favorate coffee house.  I was talking about the surgery with Veronica and I remembered the feelings I had that night almost three months ago.  I was afraid, but I was more afraid of what my life was going to be without it. 

[Veee1226]

Hi Tony,

First off, I wanted to apologize for not responding to your post earlier.  As you know, I have had a lot going on lately.

I have posted about my fear as well.  And, I too, am afraid of the procedure itself.  When I was 13, my brother Greg, who was 16, went in for an appendectomy.  Something happened as they were prepping him, or he was not being monitored, but he had a reaction to the anesthesia and his heart stopped.  They were able to bring him back, but he was comatose for a few days and we were told not to expect him to live.  Thankfully he did live and he is basically fine, but had some brain damage that affected his memory, and doesn't remember most of his childhood.  So, I have always been afraid of any kind of surgery.

I wish that I had some magical words for you.  I have been going through the motions of getting all of my requirements done as well, and whenever the fear creeps in, I just push it away and push myself forward.  I can't let my mind go there, or I may scare myself out of the procedure.  I just try to keep in mind the fire I felt when I first made the decision to have this surgery, and remember the words of my friends here on the boards and in the group and pray that I will be OK.  The mortality rate is so much lower these days and the fact that it is done lapriscopically makes it even safer.  One of the reasons I am working so hard at loosing weight before the surgery, is because Dr. B told me that the more I lost, the safer the procedure would be.  That is important to me.

Remember what Michelle, Diane and Oscar said at the last meeting.  The pain was little, the recovery time is shorter than expected and things in general go very smoothly.  Lets you and I allow those who have gone before us lead us with their wisdom, experience and encouragement.  And they will be there waiting for us on the other side of our new lives.

Any time that fear crops up on you, please feel free to write to me.  Chances are I will be feeling the same and we can work through it together.

Looking forward to seeing you all at the next meeting.

Veronica

[icarus96]

Thanks for the good vibes.  As I posted under another topic now I'm afraid of it not happening.  Go figure.  I can't make up my mind whats more of a problem for me ....getting it or not getting it.  Logically I know not getting it is far worse than gritting my teeth and getting it.  Guess I just have too much time on my hands.  The mind starts to wander and create all kinds of wacky scenarios.  When I'm busy I don't worry about anything, just go to it and get it done.  Hopefully I'll be real busy as it gets closer.  Idle minds are the devils tools.  It's always good to check the posts and read all the positive post op stories, and  after talking to people at the meeting I was really lifted.

Once again thanks for the positive feedback all.