Interconnections

I am posting today to try to rid myself of some anxiety I am feeling.

My husband and I split up on Saturday. Actually, he went out after disrespecting me once again, and I locked the door behind him and did not let him back in. I even paid $270 (money I don't really have) to have the lock professionally changed on Sunday morning so I felt safe. I have had no contact with him for 3 days. My heart is broken. My dreams have been shattered. I am consulting a lawyer now regarding my rights and talking to some experts about whether or not I am a victim of the guidelines that fall under domestic violence. That is a hard for me to say, let alone accept. My head says "good riddance." My heart says "I still love you." To say I am confused is an understatement.

I have not been eating well and I am being very hard on myself.

Today Oscar and I had a conversation about what makes a woman "super hot." Oscar pointed out to me that I have that potential to become "super hot" after my surgery, and I flippantly thought, "yeah right, no way." Why did I jump to that conclusion so quickly? Why would I disrespect myself so quickly? Oscar went on to say that a woman's size has nothing to do with how sexy she is. It is an attitude and a belief that comes from within. I don't have that. I never have. We wound up discussing my past, my early dealings with the opposite sex, and they way people viewed me because I was always heavy. In my culture, Caucasian, Irish, Roman Catholic, you are not considered pretty if you are heavy. I was always "like a sister" to all the boys. I was always "the good friend" they could talk to about the girls they liked. I was the one who was told, "you have such a pretty face, if you could JUST loose weight..." And I was never anyone's girlfriend.

How could I be? No one ever treated me like I was pretty. I thought I was. I would look into the mirror and I see pretty green eyes, soft, blonde curls, a sweet smile. But I never had a boyfriend growing up, so I must not be pretty. And therefore, I never really learned that I could be sexy. And now I find myself in a marriage where I am not being treated as a beautiful, sexy woman. And I don't feel like a beautiful, sexy woman. But the mirror doesn't lie. I am very pretty.

In a different post, Oscar mentioned how everything is interconnected. How one change affects different aspects of our lives. One good change leads to another, and another, and another. Your life starts changing in ways you didn't expect. I get it now. As we were talking today, a lot of uncomfortable stuff was kicked up inside of me. I know that when I start getting that "uncomfortable" feeling, it means I am close to uncovering something that needs to be looked at and analyzed. My marriage has failed because I stand up for myself and refuse to accept being lied to and disrespected. I am getting stronger as I am getting thinner. I am feeling horrible about my personal life, but the guys in my office smile at me more and tell me how good I look today. The cute deli guy winks at me as I pay for my egg-white omlett. Then I go and look into the mirror and check myself out. Again, I see the pretty green eyes and soft, blonde curls. I see a thinner face, a bigger smile and different light in my eyes. My life maybe upside down for the moment, but maybe Oscar is right. Maybe I do have the potential to be "super hot."

Afterall, the mirror doesn't lie.