Fighting the good fight

[Veee1226]

This is an Oscar inspired post.

I sometimes feel that I don't really have much to contribute to the boards because I am pre-op.   I read about all the successes and new discoveries everyone is making, and I don't really have much to say.  I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed by everything in my life right now.  I am loosing weight and I thank God for that, because with all the stress and emotion I am dealing with, it is a wonder I get out of bed every day.  As a testament to my resilience, I am proud to say that I am down about 30 pounds since August.  So I am on the right track to having a successful and safer surgery, and hopefully, a happy life afterwards. 

But I will tell you all, honestly, even though I hear all of the success stories, I still find it hard to believe that I will be there someday.  And I am very, very frightened by the changes that I am facing.  And I am not really talking about the idea of being thin and getting attention I have never really had.  I am talking about the changes I have to make regarding food, how I think of food and how I eat. 

With the recent stress in my marriage, I have had an early opportunity to examine my relationship with food.  Not being able to turn to my comfort, my friend, my solace left me feeling very lonely and lost.  I am now understanding more and more how much I have relied on food for my happiness, comfort and reward.  But after the surgery I will be eating different, preparing food differently, planning my meals differently and learning to socialize differently.  I have NO CLUE how I am going to handle it.  Yes, I am dieting now.  I have cut out sugar, white breads, sweets and sodas, but that is nothing compared to the changes that I am facing.  This is the heart of it for me.  This is what is frightening me the most.  I feel like not being able to eat the way I want to and not being able to turn to my favorite “red light foods” when I am in crisis will be equal to cutting off a limb.  Seriously, that is how deep my addiction goes.  Am I the only one who feels this?  With the gastric bypass, I may not be able to eat sugar again.  OK, so WHAT IF I want to have a piece of cake at a wedding?  What if I want to bake cookies with my niece and nephew?  What do I do when my sister and I have our annual “Irish Soda Bread Baking Marathon” for St. Patrick’s Day?  With dieting, you can do that.  You can have a little here or there as long as you don't over do it.  But, after the gastric bypass, I feel I won't be able to ever eat and enjoy food like a normal person. 

OK, so let's say I can't eat those things anymore, what do I substitute for it?  How do I find a way to eat healthy and have a normal healthy relationship with food?  I am smart enough to know that the psychological battle will be my biggest contender.  Right now, I am fighting for my life.  And I am fighting against myself, fighting the things I know as “normal;” fighting a history of eating that has been inbred in me and handed down to me from generation to generation of Irish Soda Bread eating, whiskey drinking, funny, intelligent, loving, larger than life green-eyed blue-eyed Irishmen who love to eat and drink and laugh and enjoy the company of the marriage of family and food.  What's a girl to do? 

I have no idea what to do next.  Sometimes all I can manage is to continue to breathe.  I have been criticized by my family for being “too open” and not being able to “reign in my emotions.”  Maybe that is true, but it is the person that I am.  I look outside myself for support when I am faltering in finding my way through the maze that I call my life.  That is why I come to the support group meetings.  That is why I post here.   I don't know if what I have written will make a difference to anyone.  But I am glad I do have a place to work through my emotions, whether it is in a post or in our support group.  I cherish and thank you all for giving that to me.

I welcome all thoughts and suggestions any of you may have.

Veronica

[Sophia Mcleod, MSPAS, RPA-C]

Hi Vee,
       Whether you believe or not you have already set yourself up for a successful life after surgery. You have already given up the soda, white bread, sweets and sugar. With this will power prior to your surgery you are well on your way.
Surgery does not mean the end of socializing and enjoying family and social festivities. Its an adjustment of having less of what you are used to and in moderation. At the end of the day you make the choices. You can still make cookies and cakes with your nieces and nephews, so OK, you may use splenda in stead of sugar and you may choose to make smaller cookies, have only one or just a bite. The choice Will ultimately be yours. You can cook for the whole family but you eat from the meal what you choose.
Your life is by no means over after surgery, your choices are simply wiser. Yes there will be battles that you will have with some foods but as long as you are able to acknowledge what they are then they can be addressed. I am sure you will not prevent the Irish men from drinking and eating. Instead of joining them help to serve them.
At the end of the day its all about you. When people really care about you it should not matter if you choose one food over the other. What should matter is your presence. You are doing this so that you have the chance to be around for many more St Patrick's days and cookie baking days with your family. You can bake as many soda breads as you like, trust me.

There are now substitutes for many foods on the market so your version will be pretty darn closet to the original. Rule #1 is you put in your mind that you now eat to live and not live to eat.

What do you do next? Just keep doing what you have been doing. The days wont all be perfect just do the best you can each day. So far you have done beautifully and it will get better and that in itself will give you motivation to continue.

As long as you acknowledge what the obstacles are there will be a way to help to try and fix or adjust them.

Keep up the good work...hope this helped.

sophie

[icarus96]

I am also pre-op and I am approaching it in a different way.  I am making myself aware of what I'm eating and how I'm eating as well as keeping in mind that soon (hopefully very soon) a very small portion of what I'm eating will satisfy my hunger.  I look forward to being one of the people that has to remind myself to eat instead of eyeballing my watch for an hour before lunch.

As you did point out the emotional eating will be something to get over and maybe I can't empathise with you on that as well some others can.  But I am looking forward to taking a bite and being done. 

We all have a relationship with food.  Growing up food was the cure all ... the reward... the condolence.  That is something I have had ingrained in me almost all my life as I'm sure many other families have.  It's almost a cycle of abuse, but of ourselves.  My mother battled with being overweight and my grandfather (my moms dad), and they both were taken early due to side effects of their obesity.  I so much want to break that cycle and realize that I will have to concentrate on it to be successful. 

As for me and the times I have been dieting in the past the difficulty comes when the people around you start saying things like ... "You have to have more, or just a little won't hurt."  Or you go to family functions and see all the food, it's kinda like being an alcoholic in a bar.  It's really tough.  Maybe we should all have sponsors like they do in AA.

As I'm writing this and re-reading it I can see that I too have my issues with food.  Keep bloging and asking for support.  That's my plan.  I will try to help you as much as I ask for help.  The support group is good but if you check this blog out every day and reach out and contact someone on a daily basis it will will be better.  I try to read any postings every day, also there are a lot of other web sites out there and other blogs for support.  Not all of our needs are the same but I'm sure you can find support you need to be successful.  And remember a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.  We are on the journey and hopefully are never to look back.

Hopefully I didn't ramble around too much.

Tony

[NYSweety]

Hi Veronica, how are you?  Try not to worry or stress yourself too much.  I hope that things get better for you soon.  By doing the surgery and losing weight, you can look forward to many more good times with your family and friends.  Feel better Vee!!! 

[Veee1226]

I wanted to thank everyone for your words of support and encouragement though this difficult time. 

I have been feeling pretty beat up lately.  In the last 3 weeks I have watched my marriage disintergrate, kicked my husband out of my home, have had my mother scream at me for not ending it sooner, my sister has ignored me for 3 weeks because I didn't end it sooner, and had my father-in-law scream at me for kicking his precious "baby boy" out on his ass in the cold streets of New York.  And through all of this, I have get up out of bed everyday, go to a stressful job 6 days a week, speak to lawyers about legal advice and have had to watch what I eat and try to take care of myself.  But, I am proud to say, I have done it all.

I haven't been able to concentrate much on my surgery lately.  Like Tony, I am going through the motions of getting my pre-surgery certifications, but am not really feeling "excited" about things right now.  And, I have decided, that that is OK.  I have allowed myself a little bit of leeway in my thinking.  I am doing the best that I can.  If the surgery gets postponed for a little bit, because my personal circumstances have not allowed me to get all my pre-certifications done, than I am OK with that.  It will happen in time and God will take care of me.  I will do my part to take of myself and put the rest in his hands.

Tony talked about feeling like a control freak and I truly understand that.  For some reason I have always thought that I should have the ability to control everything.  I am not sure why.  But, believe me, I am just not that powerful!  Surprise, suprise, I am actually human.

I wish you all a peaceful week and I look forward to seeing you all at the next group meeting.

[icarus96]

Hey Veronica,

Glad to hear that you are looking forward.  I myself have gotten some bad news that may put the brakes on my journey.  I am scrambling to keep it together but I feel the bottom dropping out of my plans.  Several people have gotten laid off today at work and there will be more.  My position is somewhat secure but they are contemplating cutting back and changing the health coverage to compensate for the hard economic times.  I was originally shooting for February and trying to push up to January.  I'm walking around on eggshells right not trying to expedite everything.  Just got to keep it together for 6 or 7 more weeks depending on the insurance.... well fingers and toes crossed.